Hello, my name is Arlo and we have been doing quite a bit of writing.
here is one of my rewritten version of some sick sentences.
sick sentence:
As the tired climber looked at the mountain ahead of him he said to his friend I am not sure I can go on. His friend looked at him and said we can not stay here it is too dangerous. George then said to Rebecca I think that maybe we should head back down to the hut. With a nod of her head, they both turned around and slowly walked back down the way they had come.
my version
George was exhausted as he gazed at the peak of the mountain in the cold morning air. He had just managed to whisper “it’s too tiring” to rebecca can we have a break rebecca examined the sky ahead “its to dangerous the wind we will blow of the mountain!” explained rebecca. George then had an idea and suggested that they go down to the hut With a nod from rebecca they both carefully headed back down.
please give me some feed back!
Well done, Arlo. Again you help paint a great image within the reader's mind with your use of descriptive language. Remember to re read your writing aloud to make sure that your sentences make sense and that you have included all of the correct punctuation.
ReplyDelete